Rediscovering Who I Am

We are never prepared for the curve balls that life throws our way. We can go days, weeks, months and even years on incredible highs in life and then the next thing we know everything around us is spiraling out of control and we become trapped in our own bodies. I wake up every day not knowing who I am anymore and it is not a very pleasant experience. 

I held onto the negative aspects of the relationship between my father and I for 27 long years. When I sit back and think about all the wasted energy I put into to that negative thought, I want to smack myself because really it was silly. Sure, there was pain there, but holding on just caused even more pain. I associated a lot of my issues to that relationship and I blamed everything on my father. I told myself that the way my life turned out was his fault. How foolish is that? 

In December, my father and I had a really nice 2 hour conversation. It was the first time in my adult life where we just were able to talk about life without passing judgement or discussing negative things. At the end of the day I have always loved my father deeply and I have always cared about him, As time goes on, I know that we will never have the relationship I desire, but I am comfortable in the release I have gained from letting go of all that negative energy. I now, can find positive aspects in every song I listen to and I remember the positive memories. 

With letting go of that release, I thought that my anxiety would have gotten better, that life would have been a straight path from here, but I was not prepared for what was to come. All the built of stress and emotion led me to just become really emotionally unstable. I was focusing on everything negative. Every negative aspect of my marriage, friendships and life in general. It made me feel alone when in reality I wasn't.

Despite how my marriage may be at times, there is no question how much love my husband has for my children and I. Sometimes I loose sight of that and just look at all the wrong. This is why I love having such a wide age range of friends from 16 to 78. Your younger friends are quick to jump on ship with saying things like, "leave him", "you don't need him" etc. (you catch my drift) But then my wiser, older friends. that have been married for 30+ years offer some of the best advice. We all need that balance in life. 

Truth is, I told my husband to leave and as hard as it was for him he purchased that ticket. I had been crying out for help for weeks, but no one was listening. We explained to my oldest that daddy was leaving and tried to explain the best we could. Nothing could have ever prepared me for her emotional state. Of course I knew she would going to be upset, but the worst thing you can ever do to a child, and I know this because it happened to me, is to just leave with no explanation. I held onto my father never saying goodbye for 27 years. I did not want that for her. "But daddy buys you flowers mommy" "Daddy loves you mommy" "Daddy won't be here to see me open presents on Christmas" "We won't have a family anymore mommy" It hurt me to the core. Pain I had never felt in my life. I wanted to escape. I knew that I could not do this on my own, not in the state that I was mentally and I knew that the pain I was feeling was not normal if my love for my husband was truly gone. I sat on the floor of my shower for 90 minutes crying and finally gathered the courage to admit myself to the hospital. I reached out to a friend who brought me in and stayed there with me until I asked her to leave. It is the hardest thing I think I have had to do. 

Coming home, I was still in a state of shell shock. Where I was, although a place to get help, was not helpful. I had been placed somewhere else because of no capacity at my original destination. The care there was very poor and so it was in my best interest to come home. I am struggling with my anxiety as it does get the best of me. Noise is my trigger and being a mom of three little girls, you can imagine what the noise level is at home. It is a terrible feeling when the only reaction I have is to yell because the constant feeling of adrenaline pulsates through my veins. I constantly drop things because I shake so terribly, but I know that this is not the end. 

You have to take care of yourself first and foremost, that is what I have learned through all of this. I have put myself on the back burner for all of my life. I truly cannot think of a time in my life that I just took care of me. I feel selfish for even saying that, and by just making that statement I know it is wrong, but that is how I feel. This is something that I have to learn. Everyday is a new beginning to learning how to put myself first and once I can figure that out then I will figure out who I am again.